The self inquiry

Here ‘I’ am, my physical and current ‘occupant’ state,  far removed from the rest of the group also partaking in this two-day spiritual retreat.

Yes, this is the self typing and yes, that is her, looking perplexed in the image attached. Let me introduce my ‘current’ self.

She is the current occupant who makes decisions based on analytical thinking, questioning everything in order to find answers that will help make sense of the conflicts that run through her mind. Thinking this retreat will hold some pieces of the puzzle to this things called life and it’s time on earth.

The aim of this retreat is to learn how to burn the house down that society, our families and ourselves have built – should we wish to.

In the quest to change my perceptions on things, this has been the most extreme for sure, so I want to read back on what ‘Amanda’ had experienced, whilst experiencing it.

It was the sitting meditation that really shook it up for my ‘self’. Being guided through a deeper level and conscious self awareness, acknowledging the self, thanking it for being there through the good and the bad, for caring and the guidance, and then saying goodbye to it.

The ‘occupant’ came up with so many images and statements, in my own voice, to distract me from this exercise. I even started to feel sick in the stomach and have a huge lump in my throat as if my body was tricking me into saying it was all wrong and to run out of the room.

As the inquiry delved deeper, this symptoms dissolved and there was a lightness and even flashes of light that flushed out the images.

For 10 seconds I was at peace.

Then the ‘self’ managed to come back through the butterflies in the gut, and my voice in my mind telling me in a reassuring tone, ‘you’re not ready’.

Thus the perplexed face.

Am ‘I’ trying to protect the ‘self’ or my sanity. Knowing I can’t free myself of the current constructs of working in a corporate world to pay of debt for at least another 3 months, is it just not safe to do so right now. I’m just wondering if once these debts are paid off will I still find excuses or will I finally be ready.

Time will tell.



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