Urgh – can’t stop NLP’ing memories of past encounters and behaviours. ‘Mis-Matching’ everything that felt wrong and how it would have been done in right and then justifying why it was the best thing to do. The ego is so strong, it’s firing off so much head chatter.
Other times, I’m seeing how detrimental my behaviour has been when confronted with someone who also had the same personality type or kicked in a value or belief I held within my meta program ego drivers. It was like I was trying to break that program in them but by doing so, I was just encouraging them do the same back. Everyone was left annoyed or tense. Double urgh!
I want to talk to them and tell them I’m sorry and that it’s nothing that they intentionally did that made me upset, it was just my ego defending itself by trying to wound another or make them back down.
I felt like crying because of the guilt. I did not like it when these people got my back up that way. I saw them challenging me and I challenged them because in that point of time, I hated them. I saw too much of myself in them and wanted to prove I was the one who had the right to genuinely feel that way.
Really I was the person I hated to be around. I was a person I wished to get a hold of themself. I was that person who ‘had to’ get the last word in. Urrrrerghhhh!
Yes this is judgement and noises my ego is making because it’s challenging the realisation. Need to meditate and neutralise this.
Haven’t meditated but have been able to step back mentally and laugh at everything again.
Was able to listen and converse with my flatmate without feeling exhausted but we seemed to have a fun exchange in conversation. He noted I seemed to be different from usual.
It was a brilliant morning, finally got around to an application I have been putting off. Had a productive day at work, I was having silly fun with coworkers and at lunch, the basketball team got through to the semifinals. Today the mind had a pretty nice lens on it.
In the evening I went down to the beach to walk along the waves. It was warm, the colours in the sky were beautiful and the visuals of the waves was hypnotising.
I tried to call my mum to tell her about a conversation I had with my sister, but she didn’t want to hear it. She hadn’t gone through the same thought training and I hadn’t really assumed she would be as set in a negative way. I wish I didn’t call then, maybe later at the weekend so it could be in a better environment. It played on my mind all night.
Before I left the beach I sat down to meditate. It was hard to switch off but after 15 or 20mins I got there. Before breaking through the thoughts, there was that headache again. Something that might always be there but I’m not aware of, only during meditation recently. Once through it was replaced with a feeling of openness and fullness. Filled with emptiness. Awareness remained that no thoughts were passing through, just the surrounding sounds and the feeling of fullness.
I breathed it down into my body and with each breath it brought a charge. The top of the head was buzzing.
The last couple of days have been full of ups and downs energy wise. Last night I told my flat mate I needed to rest and have an early night as soon as I got in from the beach. He still talked at me but I just carried on preparing the food and it was like he realised he needed to stop talking and said I should go and get some rest and enjoy the food.
It seems like he snapped out of his need to have my attention, but wasn’t upset by it. It was nice.
I’ve had conversations with others doing the NLP course and their perspectives on how I take things or how they view things. In the last couple of days, I’ve felt the realisation that it’s ok to view things differently and accept others will have a view of their own. Even if it is about you, it’s not really you. It’s whatever they’re interpreting at the time in their mind from their current state and possible projections.
There’s times I’m feeling too tired to listen to people who want to project. There’s a cravining to keep distance and get detached. Other times in interested in conversing. It’s been a very mixed bag but slowly getting a better understanding of my mind.
Looking forward to learning more in a few weeks.