The past 10 years I had gradually been shifting into a world that was built around satisfying others to the point I felt I had no meaning left to my own life purpose. The last few years had come to the conclusion that from feeling so lost and hopeless, I was better ending my life. When really, what I wanted was to end the pain caused by that reality.
Step by step I had been tearing down that ‘world’, ‘house’ of a reality that I had built for me growing up and what I had continued thereafter for myself and all the expectations other people had of me. Slowly it’s been working. I’ve started seeing a future for myself and built a closer understanding of my mind, body and soul.
Now I feel torn between two worlds.
The familiar corporate world – financial security, false relationships and passive aggressiveness and most times illogical decisions that create uneccessary tension and axiety. There are times I get so snowed under with work, I daydream about ending it, and then thinking that I need to write letters to my family incase I have a moment of madness, that something might trigger a stupid clouded mindset and that’s it.
Then there’s the other reality. The plan to change career, regardless of earning less, having genuine relationships with people even if it means having fewer friends. Using energy towards something good as opposed to burning out over the insignificant things. I dream about this to keep trudging through the corporate world and reignite that purpose.
Why not just leave? There’s the fact that if I leave this sponsered job, I have to leave the country and I’m not ready to go back to the UK yet. I feel I need to be removed from that reality I had been brought up in to fully cut those negative strings and step out of those ‘worlds’ which people placed me into, these created ‘roles’ to suit their needs. If I stay one more year in this corporate environment from 9-6pm, I’ll be able to apply for PR and move onto the other world.
By looking into NLP and psychology I’m slowly finding this balance of spiritualism, life purpose and materialism in a corporate environment but with a freed mind.
I feel like the deer at Nara park that had secluded themself in the forest, drinking from the lake whilst the majority of the deers were eating processed crackers from tourists. Always hungry for more and never satisfied.
One of the NLP practicioners mentioned that once aware of the mindsets, you’ll find you’ll be honest with people and yourself and you won’t feel the need to fill in the gaps with fake people or friends. This feels very current. I’m not worried about loosing fake friends at all, although I know these people mean well, the conversations about people or gossip fills me with no joy and I can’t pretend that it does anymore.
The mediation helped quiten the negative thoughts for sure and I had to write this down in the hope it will stop it going round in my head. Tomorrow morning will be a fresh new start, finding something positive to look forward to every day until the day I can leave this world.
Finding this balance between living in a dream and being awake – the internal and external balance. It’s like feeling far removed and laying down an anchor at the same time.
Maybe it’s something else I’m missing. Maybe more mindfulness is needed as it’s been hard to practice meditating over the last two weeks and this is a relapse. I just hope these thoughts balance out soon.