In an experiement to be my true self by embracing the dark side, my thoughts were free to wander and where they went, I monitored. Here’s what I noticed;
- The dark thoughts increased to happen more often than light ones.
- I was attacting more negative energy
- My friends were more open to me about their suffering
- I retaliated to snide remarks with negative actions or words and even made snide remarks to others with little reason.
- This is a repeat of what had happened before. I was relapsing back.
I let the ‘self’ revert back to what it was familiar with. React how it would previously react in similar situations. React how my father did, with his negative behaviour I was immersed in throughout earlier childhood. By doing this, I’m staying in the position and mindset that brought on the same results. This mission isn’t so much seeking something better or attaining satisfaction, but just inner peace, true love and honest connections.
By showing I could be negative, maybe my friends thought they would be safe to be negative around me, and maybe they found someone who could handle their negativity or take it off their shoulders.
This experience reminded me of a quote from the film ‘Harvey’, by a character called Elwood P. Dowd who said;
Years ago my mother used to say to me, she’d say, “In this world, Elwood, you must be” – she always called me Elwood – “In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.” Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant.
By trying to prove myself to other people, to their level of expectation or delusion of what they wanted of me or wanted me to be, this manisfested that I wanted to be what they wanted me to be. I was a people pleaser who was pleasing everyone but myself.
Moving forward, I’ll be taking this positive look on the negative situations and not using this as a way to dismiss the wrong doings of others, events or theories, but instead the emotions that I associate with them. All whist maintaining personal values, inner peace and honest connections with others.