It’s a subtle decline that goes unnoticed, no one notices until the symptoms appear. But luckily I was familiar and this time I wasn’t going to let it take over.
With work being stressful and non-stop over a consecutive number of months, I had developed anxeity, without knowing how serious until hyper-tension played up. Every small dark object looked like a spider, to which I’d jump, as well as small sounds and knocks. Feeling agitated by anything and everyone, I wasn’t a pleasant entertaining person to be around. The excuse of tiredness came up everytime there were drinks or hanging out.
Soon work became a struggle and trips to the bathroom to cry out built up frustration of other people’s lacking and constant fatigue. However it was no-one’s doing. Everyone was in the same boat. It was how I was dealing with it internally that made it worse for myself. That wasn’t as clear through the paranoia and internal working of the clouded mind at that time.
After asking a colleague to help with things at work I was advised to take sick leave and given a card for access to counselling. This helped preventing that tipping over the edge, but I knew it was time to get this sorted for once and for all.
Then the break-up happened. I thought by breaking up I would be doing the person a favour, not having to deal with me whilst I sorted out my mental health. It went worse that I (even the depressed self) had imagined. The harsh words of being told I had serious problems, being ungrateful and other derogative terminologies used in mind-games, led me to believe I was no good for anyone and better off dead. Luckily a phone call to a helpline kept me in check. I could hardly speak through the exasperated tears but the samaritain patiently listened and provided advice on positive outcomes.
The next day, I went to the doctors and was given anti-depressants. I wanted to function at work until I got better. It was zoloft, SSRI medication and it made a heck of a difference. I was apprehensive to taking the drug but after a lot of research and quizzing to the doctor, it was the right stepping stone for me to getting back on the right track.
Talking to a psychologist that specialised in anxiety and depression was a great view on dealing with the triggers that set me off. It was great to hear these new analogies to use when dealing with certain behviours and re-establishing values.
I no longer feel like a liability but still on that road to maintaining good mental health. Friends, family and samaritans can be amazing support to carry on through. Just glad I recognised the importance of not giving time or thought to those who weren’t.